Tonight I sit here and I am captivated by the One who gave me life. This entire year has been one crazy rollercoaster. Though I thought the last two years of my life before this were the roughest I ever had to go through, I would have to say that emotionally and physically this year was most trying. The difference between the years prior to 2011 and now, is that before, I was challenged in my walk but in different ways. I was not challenged in ways of temptation. I was challenged in my trust for Beautiful One. I lost everyone who was close to me in different ways, but God restored friendships I had lost in the end for my faithfulness. This year, I have been challenged in a new way. My biggest trial was myself. Not necessarily my flesh. My heart wasn’t even a problem. I’ve kept my heart locked tight. My mind. My mind was the most difficult obstacle of this year. I have never felt more suffocated in thought. Sometimes thoughts would be beneficial. I would be able to clear my head. They would come to me like a tranquil stream, allowing myself to remove any distraction that came in the way of the vision that God had set before me. Other times, thoughts would rush through my head, like a raging, violent flood that was unsatisfied. I would feel like I was drowning in the whirlpools of unanswered questions, unsolved puzzles… but I never gave up. This year has truly been a year of transformation. I feel so released. For the first time in a year, in the midst that all that is before me, I hear whispers of His love. In the vast waves of uncertainty, I see reflections of His beauty. I’m not afraid, because I know that no matter how unstable the world I live in may be, He will not drop me. He has me wrapped. He has all of me. I can sleep peacefully knowing my King and my Lover has me in His wings and I won’t ever be abandoned. Though this year has been a fast ride, catching glimpses of the Author of my love story has been what has kept me holding on. Though I’ve held the key to my own undoing, He’s held the key to my success. He has never let me down. I love my God.
Here I stand. Right after the chapter title, but right before the first sentence begins.
As far as music goes, it’s going wonderful. Not only have I written more on the Christian album I’ve been working on, but therapeutically the songs I’ve written about my life have helped so much through everything I’ve gone through in the past couple months. I feel like it’s June. I truly am just now realizing that summer is over and fall has come. Had the weather not changed and the leaves started to turn, I don’t think I would have realized it. Have you ever felt like someone just hit the fast-forward on your life and when they pushed play again you had no idea how you got there? That’s how I felt until recently. At first, I found myself discouraged in the notion that the way I spent my time this summer was hardly even worth while and I questioned if I grew any spiritually. This summer felt like white noise. I can’t really remember it at all. All that I remember is that I was in a car accident and worked… a LOT. Through the static of summer, I became very isolated in my comfort. I almost always was alone and usually for me I can’t stand to be alone in silence. But in those moments, though I was at a complete standstill and everything around me was flashing by, I never felt for a second that I was without the Lord or that He didn’t hear me. There were times where I felt that I wasn’t doing anything to better the Kingdom, but in this past month, God has shown me through it all that it was all for a reason. He taught me to sit still and wait on Him, no matter how silently He moves in the night. He has captivated my heart. This past summer was the turning of the page, that moment just before you see what is yet to come, there’s that silence. The silence where you allow yourself to grasp the concept of all you have just learned on the previous page. As you trace your finger down the side and search for the next, that is where you would have found me. Waiting patiently for the page to turn and for God to begin to craft a new chapter for me in His story. This silence has been the development of my character and allowing Him to craft a new heart in me once again.
Flash forward- So here I am on a cold September night, listening to Savage Garden and allowing my heart to get lost in the music. Now, my life is completely different. Had you told me back in June or July where I’d be right now, I am not so sure I would believe you. But I know my God is more than enough and supplies all my needs. I am excited for all He has plans to do. I am still praying for a church to go to and for the opportunity to lead worship again. I do not look back on the silent nights of summer and regret. Though the silence was deafening, it was all for His glory. I am broken in a beautiful way. Now as this new chapter has begun, I know that there is no going back and I’m one step closer to being the woman that God has created me to be.
Yesterday, my grandparents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. They were absolutely adorable! They got all dressed up and went out to a very fancy dinner and exchanged their gifts. Poppy got Mimi a beautiful golden bracelet and a bouquet of roses that said “Happy Anniversary, Barb!!! I love you. Are you ready to try for another 50 years? I love you, Ralph”. Mimi’s gift has a story attached to it.
When they got married, Poppy asked Mimi for the penny from her shoe (it’s a tradition to wear a penny in your shoe with the year you got married on your wedding day) and he had it set in a little golden medallion which he had engraved “Our Wedding 7-22-41”around the penny and she wore it for the last 50 years. Mimi kept that charm and she had it engraved on the back, it said that she “R.O.H Always and Forever. Thank you for loving me. 7-22-11”. She had a chain made, now, for the next 50 years, he gets to wear it. I cried so hard and I’m still crying. What a love my grandparents have found in their marriage. They have such an appreciation for each other. I hope I get to experience a 50 year anniversary. They were so excited and took pictures, cut the cake together, and even reenacted the sharing of cake (he feeds her, she feeds him). I cried so much. I love my grandparents. They aren’t the most affectionate people. They always bicker and act like they can’t stand each other, which is why yesterday was so sweet. After all this time.. 51 years together and 50 years married, they are still unbelievably in love with each other and it’s more romantic and sweet than any movie I have ever seen try to imitate that love. They are so sweet and I feel blessed that I was able to witness this once in a lifetime event.
I’m excited for my life. There is no part of it that I don’t like. I couldn’t care less about what anyone thinks of me. God knows my heart and so do my true friends, and that’s really all that matters to me. I know who I am and know what I want, and I am satisfied in just being me.
Fun fact: It’s easier to make friends down at a bar than it is in a church. People don’t judge the hell out of you there. :)
I just want to have fun and enjoy life as it comes. :) Life is too short to be bored or miserable.
As for now, haters be hatin’, trolls be trollin’, and I’m free to be me and live life how I wanna live it.
Glory to God in everything!
Keep HIM the center of your life, not His fan base. REAL talk.
-Bethany
I am so beyond stoked for the month of April. I wish it would hurry up and get here- that whole month is going to be epic and Becca and my birthday brouhaha is happening! YAYY!
And this weekend <3 AAAH!!! I’m getting my wrist tattoo and I may get another one depending on what I feel like. That and I’m finally getting my feet tattoos touched up. I seriously can’t wait. :P
God is doing radical things and I hope that people won’t be too blind to notice. I hope that God starts making some huge changes, and I know He will. There currently is more hate in the Christian church than down in the local bars. I’ve been to church, I’ve been to a bar. People can be so much nicer at a bar- much less judgmental. Yes, some of them may be drunk, but what about Christians who claim to be drunk in the spirit and filled with unspeakable joy? Are we not called to love everyone? It’s a wonder…
Jesus’ best friend, Mary Magdalene was a prostitute.
Some of the sermon’s I’ve been hearing lately try to make it seem like we’re supposed to be squeaky clean and not associate ourselves with people who aren’t right with God… Jesus was never a sinner and still had MM as a bff. I have friends who are Pagan, Atheist, Wiccan, and Christian. They are ALL amazing friends. Sure my Wiccan friends don’t pray for me, but they love me and they treat me like I’m of their own blood, and I LOVE THEM! THAT is what a true friend is and THAT is what a Christian SHOULD be like. The Christian life is NOT about living a perfect life. It’s saying “God, I’m seriously messed up and I can’t live my life apart from You”. Then, you take up your cross, follow Him and LOVE others as He first loved you- where you ARE, in the middle of what is going on, NOW. He loved me when my life was trashed and scattered. He loved me when no one else would, especially the Christian church. That’s what’s so mind boggling. And making mistakes is not just for “the lost”. I hate that. I hate that they teach that. I’ve made more mistakes since I have been a Christian than I ever did pre-salvation. I became a Christian at 15. I’ve royally screwed up several times since then. If some of my Christian friends knew what I did in the past 3 years, they probably wouldn’t associate with me. Luckily, I have friends who get the message and get my heart’s cry, and I thank God that He has placed them in my life. They encourage me so much! Some of my best friends in the world don’t love Jesus but I love them. Is Jesus not actively loving them through me? Would I be a fool NOT to love them? I think we all know the answer to this. All I’m saying is God wants ALL of us, and how can we be His hands and feet and love everyone if we’re not loving everyone? Just some food for thought.
I just hope that one day the bonds in the church will break off. That one day, if a prostitute, drug dealer or even a murderer comes into the church, that they will receive blessings over-abundantly, not looks of judgment and be talked about negatively behind their back. Stop the back-biting, people! You cannot have a legit relationship with the Christ and NOT love everyone. Because when you have an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ, he moves IN you to love. Just because you raise your hands at church in front of everyone doesn’t mean you’re intimate with Christ. Start proving it in the way you love people. Everyone. Including the one person in your life that you cannot stand the MOST. All I’m saying, is that I am one ugly, UGLY monster apart from Christ. Without him, I have serious anger issues, control issues, and… yea. ISSUES. But with him, he gives me the ability and strength to love even those who have hurt me the most.
The truth is, I hated my own father when I came to Christ. I had every right to. He treated me like trash as a kid, chose my two step-sisters over me, and didn’t know how to be a father… He never even went to any of my plays OR my own graduation.. I never even got a call on my own birthday.. I’m his only child, you’d think he would have remembered…
Like I said, I became a Christian at 15. It took me til I was 19 years old to love my father. It takes time for God to move in you to trust someone who has hurt you and to take a leap of faith. Loving people I didn’t like in school came easily, loving “the lost” came easily. But loving my own flesh and blood? Because of how he abandoned me, I didn’t WANT to love him and I resisted until Christ slammed me down and got a hold of me. I called my father and wished him a happy father’s day and told him I loved him. That conversation sparked a relationship with my father for the first time. Though I’m the one who always has to call him first and it seems one-sided sometimes, I have to love him. God has given me such an amazing opportunity to love my dad, whether he’s a Christian or not. The fact is, a person who is a Christian needs just as much love as a person who is a non-Christian. I’ve seen Christians love people into the church and pray the salvation prayer with someone only to leave them high and dry afterwards. Christ is constantly pursuing the church. He never quits. Neither should any of us. Love consistently.
Stepping off my soapbox now. I have no idea where that came from. I just felt moved to write again. :D
For the first time in a while, I went to bed at a decent hour. Hey, midnight IS a decent hour for me.. I woke up at about 8:30 and just sat on my bed thinking about what all is going to happen today. I work from 2 to closing tonight, so for a moment, thinking about that put a damper on things. Then I thought about it again.. For 8 hours, I get to go out of my house, into the mission field, and serve people more than just a loaf of bread or cheesecake. I get to serve them with the smile on my face and allow God to move in me while I am there. So really, God’s on shift tonight, not Bethany. I’m also taking a formal Leave of Absence from school until May to get my head together so that I don’t have to add stress to the equation. You know you need a break when you’ve been put on hold and you look to grab your phone so you can text and realize… it’s in your ear, dummy.
I feel at peace with absolutely everything in my life right now. I’ve been praying for clarity and I am glad that I will be able to focus on one thing at a time now. God is so good. Every time the world makes me feel like the weight of my responsibilities outweighs the outcome, God lifts the burden and I am left unaware. He picks me up, places His finger over my lips and kisses my forehead and tells me to rest.
I have also been asked to be a part of a band full time and still be able to worship at church. I’m praying for favor with Sunday’s off with work so that can happen, but I’m waiting for the right time to ask. I practically work full time at 35 hours a week and I’m beyond grateful for that, especially after not having a job for a year and a half. I’m just praying for provision. But I know that today, I can just rest in knowing that I know who my Father is. He crafted me thread by thread in His very likeness. I finally know who I am in Christ Jesus.
I am an heir with the Father and a joint heir with Christ. Galatians 4:6-7 “Because you are sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, “Abba, ” So you are no longer a slave, but a son; and since you are a son, God has made you also an heir.”
I have been called by a new name. I am a new creation. I’m getting a tattoo in the next couple of weeks, so stay tuned. I’ve been praying about it for a long time and I feel like what I’m getting tattooed is a huge part of my testimony and what God wants me to share with others. I am seriously shaking right now because I’m so excited and scared. To Him be all the glory!!!
As children, when we would do something which deserves punishment, we would get either a smack on the leg or something called “time out”. I remember I hated time out. I would sit in a hard wooden chair facing the corner while all of my games and dolls had to sit, lonely, behind me. Most of the time, I’d think about how much I’d want to play with my toys and how mean Mom was rather than “reflecting on what I did” to get there in the first place. I never realized how much time outs are needed until yesterday.
I felt convicted to fast from my Facebook until God puts it in my heart that I am ready for it again. I do not know how long that will be, but I’m just ready to take a leap and drink in the love of my Maker. Instead of posting silly statuses and leaving some useless page up for people to talk to me if they want to, I want to make real life experiences. Like actually getting out of the house and getting to socialize with people rather than being so disconnected and empty from another side of a computer screen. I encourage you all to step out, look around, and appreciate what you have around you. I know for me, I’ve been so focused how I am doing in school and work that I had abandoned the vision God had given me.
My biggest prayer for this year is that God will wrap me in His arms and I will become less. I want myself to fade into the background and let Him use me as a vessel for HIS glory. I want to be able to spend true time with others and love them rather than being a green dot on chat that says “I’m here…kinda”. I want to pursue others like God pursues me. When I was broken, He mended me. When I was tired, He kissed my eyes and gave me peace. When I gave into lies that I am not pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough- He washed me, placed me in white wedding robes and called me His beloved. What a grace I’ve found, that He would call me beautiful and lovely though I have trudged through the mud and blackened my own name with pride. That He would call me by a new name. I am completely swept away by my His love. I am not without a lover this Valentine’s day. I have Him, and He is all I need.
I am in awe.
My Savior calls me His Bride.
Each day I fall short of the glory of God, yet He never abandons me. He lifts me up, kisses my eyes with visions of His splendor and beauty and I am left breathless. He removes me from my torn and tattered scraps of clothing, purifies my heart once again, and wraps me in beautiful white wedding robes. If we truly loved and treated everyone as Christ loves us, as we’ve been called to do, no one would ever feel abandoned, rejected or ashamed. He loves us where we are, as we are, at our absolute worst and the rest of the world leaves us high and dry. His never-ending well of compassion breaks my heart in the most romantic way. My name is tattooed on His heart, and His name is tattooed on mine.
I grew up in church. I knew the songs, I always was the first to be able to quote scripture in Sunday school, but my passion for the One who wrote me into existence was not yet awakened. I had lived a life filled with trying to achieve empty goals and buying into lies that I would never be as beautiful as the women in magazines and the girls who walked through the school halls with a boy on their arm. After losing almost 100lbs in 3-4 months in an unhealthy way because I was desperate to be thin, I was put in the hospital. I was 15. I didn’t have a home church. I had been going to another church at the time with friends, and my family tried to call the youth pastor, but he never came by or even called back. Then out of nowhere Brian Pendley, the youth pastor of Bethany Christian Center had heard I was in the hospital and came to see me. He brought me a card and encouraged me to come to youth group. I decided to go. That decision brought me to where I am today. I went to Acquire the Fire that year. I smashed about a hundred cds, cut out the people that pulled me down spiritually and gave my life to Christ. For the first time in my life, I looked in the mirror with a new set of eyes. I no longer saw the thin frame that held me back. I saw ME. I saw GOD. I saw GOD IN ME. Though I’ve gained that weight back through the years, I don’t think myself any less beautiful than I was 100 lbs ago. Sure, I don’t get the same attention from guys, but I would rather have a man who sees my spirit instead. My heart full of love. To see me like my Creator sees me. So many women in the world view themselves as inadequate. But ladies, listen. You ARE beautiful. God crafted every fiber of your being- what you think, what you look like, what you sound like, what you love like- EVERYTHING. And He sees you as radiant, beautiful, and flawless. Guys, look with your hearts, not your eyes. Jesus came to earth as a lowly carpenter and it was said he was not an attractive man. The people of the world overlooked him because they were searching for a worldly king. We are all sons and daughters of the kingdom. No girl is any less beautiful than the other- no matter her hair color, her weight, how many tattoos she has… I pray that we would all view each other without our physical vision. This has been on my heart and I’ve been meaning to write it for a while, but last night’s service was so good I just couldn’t help myself.
I love you all so much. I pray that you all would just fall in love with God all over again today and allow God to open your eyes in a new way. Accept your inheritance and don’t let anything or anyone in this world ever blind you from that.
